Office by Alex Penny
ex mare. or mayor. whichever behooves you.
Standing ever so cautiously on top of a telephone pole during a beautiful sunset reading a copy of the FS Gazette, Split Horn’s eyes patrolled the city below. It was getting rather dark and he knew the villains of the night would soon be out. But, in the mean time, the Headline of the gazette made…
Mare walked down the street, mind on her ponies and her ponies on her mind… Not exactly. To be quite honest, her mind was still on that bishie gundam from the night prior. Somehow, the lovely folks at the paper had heard about his great deed… And misconstrued it. Perhaps she would need to have a word with them about it, especially considering this was not a single occasion…. She was just thinking of her choice words when she noticed, this was the street she had been on. In fact, wasn’t that the same alley…?
She shrugged. Alleys are well known to all as a shortcut, even when you don’t always know where you’re going, so she decided that she might as well take it.
Late at night when ladies and gentlemen shouldn’t be wondering the streets of Fort Slaughter, an unfortunate woman just so happened to walk into the wrong group of thugs. The thugs were bigger and stronger then she was and they were giving her quite the hard time. The thugs forced her purse out of her hands and began rummaging their filth ridden hands through it. They pulled out her walled and removed it’s contents into a white plastic bag. they also removed the hand-gun that was hidden rather well at the bottom of the bag. But, their wrong doings would not be over looked, For the white masked wonder had shown his face. He had plunged his steel katana into the body of the man furthest from the woman getting mugged. The white masked man then fallowed the shape of the man’s body, making a firm clean cut, removing his arm. As the newly made corpse fell to the ground, his blood flowed from out of his body like water released from a dam. The other Man looked shocked and could hardly move his body. He dropped the gun and the plastic bag in pure fear. The white masked individual Glared at the other one. “you’re next” said the white masked kid as he slashed across the man’s neck. For a second or two, there was silence… . Then the man’s head flew into the air like a rocket and his body fell over like a rag doll. The white masked kid then wiped the blood off his sword and handed the lady her purse and the rest of her belongings. She herself was shaking like a vibrator with no handler but, she managed to ask, “w-w-w-w-who are… . ” She was cut off “MY NAME IS SPLIT HORN” he exclaimed as he sheathed his sword. Split Horn then took a step and slipped on the blood he had just spilled all over the side-walk. he hit his head on the pavement and screamed in pain for a second. he then got up and walked away from the shaken lady.
it was a LOVELY night in the city, as far as Mare Lady could see. A bit chilly, a full moon out, terribly late with an occasional siren ringing in the air signaling justice to be properly doled out… Just the perfect time to look for some of her favourite kawaii people. She trotted pleasantly through the dank street, positively certain she was nearing the graveyard by now, when she heard a scuffle in the upcoming alley.
peeking around the corner, she couldn’t suppress a surprised whinny. It was not a cutie she had seen before, and yet…. One of the most kawaii gundams she had ever seen in her life. She could feel her kokoro go doki doki over the JUSTICE being doled out, all over that alley. Geeeeeeeze.
NO Trespassing: Skullfucker didn’t like to leave the mausoleum. Hardly ever did…
Skullfucker didn’t like to leave the mausoleum.
Hardly ever did anything good happen when he ventured out for any reason that wasn’t an assignment. His nights out on the town were when he had a victim to attend to, severing limbs and hearing screams were his equivalents to dancing in clubs to…
From the kitchen, Peacock-butt could hear the motorcycle revving up outside. Not much passed through her head as she stirred a batter-like concoction in a large bowl. Butler had gone off to get more cleaning supplies, for there had been a few baking explosions already this afternoon. The sound distanced itself quickly from the mausoleum and left everything quiet once more. Peacock-butt continued her baking for a few more moments before she was struck by sudden realization.
Oh shit, oh fuck. It was, like, three in the afternoon. Skullfucker probably wasn’t even awake yet. Dear god, someone found us and stole the bike. Or something. He is going to be so pissed.
The peacock girl left her bowl on the counter and started to rush out of the kitchen, heading for the exit. She stopped herself from getting too far down the hallway. Confrontations were high up on her list of things to avoid and the culprit was far enough away by now that there was no hope in catching up. She really needed to invest in some better mode of transportation.
Well, fuck. She turned around, staring at the hallway leading the way to the Skullfucker’s room. Waking him up with bad news was another thing high on her list of things to avoid. She wasn’t really sure what else to do, though.
Passing the staircase, she entered the cleaning room and saw the door that blended in with the simple wall paper lining the wall. The only indication that there was even a door was the faint outline of torn paper and wall. She stood in front of it, wringing her hands for a few minutes before giving a gentle knock.
“Vinny?” She called and received no reply. She knocked a little louder. “Hey, dude, you know that motorcycle you have? Well, i think someone might have just stolen it? Or something. And I don’t know what to do. So you should wake up.”
She waited a few moments, still not hearing anything from the room beyond. She pushed on the section of wall, revealing the room within. It was dark and had minimal decorations other than a few coffins. And skulls. Skulls fucking everywhere. There was a large unmade bed lodged in a corner of the room. She stepped forward, tripping over a few skulls but luckily not causing any damage.
“Dude?” She whispered and poked at the bed sheets. Still no reply. She pulled gently at some of them until the mass of blankets untangled complete to show an empty bed. Her stomach dropped and panic started settling in. If there was some bastard that could manage to break in and take the Skullfucker down, god damn she was fucked.
Vinegar, Orange Glo, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers. Still not enough. That girl basically made a small pastry bomb in the kitchen. It went EVERYWHERE. All over the table, inside the oven, all over the walls and ceiling. The security desk. And she was just the cake! Flour. Need more flour. She’s going to end up burning the damn place down if she keeps blowing her confectionery treats up. Oh that mess. It was eve-what? A ringing? He didn’t take his phone with him today, why was he hearing a ringing. That’s right! His pager!
Looking at his pager, Butler noticed it was from Peacock, using the distress number. ”I swear, if that girl set the place on fire.” No time to pay. Just as well, this store didn’t have the brand of paprika he likes.
He quickly loaded the things in his Dusenberg, his personal car, and headed back to the Mausoleum. Something had to really be wrong. She wouldn’t contact The Butler unless Skullfucker wasn’t available. And it’s not even 4 in the evening yet. The sun is still out! Deciding time was of the essence, The Butler sped back to the Mausoleum.
Now that The Skullfucker was nearing town, he became aware that he wasn’t all that sure where he was going, what he was looking for, or any clue where to start looking. His knowledge of people in the past had consisted of work schedules, weaknesses, and addresses, but never likes. He and Peacock-butt had been friends and spent time around each other before, but that didn’t mean he knew what to get her for something like Valentine’s Day. He had never celebrated Valentines Day with another human being before, especially not an individual as different and complicated as a female. He was afraid of looking as cold and insensitive as he suspected he truly was sometimes.
Skullfucker had never spent a Valentine’s Day without, well, having his dick in the eye socket of a skull. Not that this varied how he spent the rest of his days anyway, and for the most part he had allowed Valentines Day to go unmarked because it was a holiday for the living; sometimes he wasn’t so sure he fit that category, so he kept with his hobbies at his own leisure instead of letting any kind of outside influence change him.
But now he would be having dinner with his favorite member of those that consisted of flesh, his pants securely at his waist, talking and laughing and celebrating a holiday for the jovial. It would be quite the different experience, that’s for sure. He couldn’t help but feel hesitantly grateful for her breaking this monotonous, although undeniably enjoyable, cycle. Different could be good. And he wanted to get something to make her happy, fit some kind of societal norm of Valentine’s Day presents, and thank her for throwing an interesting twist into his life.
The mall. As much as he was begrudging to go to possibly the most populated place he could manage, the fact that he was virtually clueless as to what he was looking for meant he needed a lot of options. Where he could walk through and just look and hope beyond all logic that he could see something and it magically strike him as a good idea.
Pulling the Ducati into the parking lot, he could already feel his heart sink. It was fucking packed. This would not be anywhere near easy, and there was no way he would come out of this unscathed physically and mentally. It would be like throwing a rabbit into a lion pit. Skullfucker had never felt like a bunny in anything more than name, and he didn’t look forward to it. A small pang of determination resonated within him, however, and if he could take down multiple people for their skulls and get away scott-free for the sake of obtaining their skulls, he could sure as hell deal with multiple people for a few hours to see Peacock-butt smile.
It would be worth it. Skullfucker took a deep breath and walked through the double doors.
Mare lady peeked through isles of books, looking for something that could possibly match the topic of her interest. She had been looking for a seasonal offering to one of the cutest bishonen she had ever laid her eyes upon, but quickly became distracted by her favourite section of the bookstore- the B’s. Baracudas, Bees, Bungee Jumping…. She could tell her prey was near. She was almost ready to— Then, she saw something that she would have never imagined.
She rubbed her eyes, unbelieving. There would be positively no way that HE was anywhere near this place. Let alone in the daylight..?
And yet, there he was. Looking socially awkward and horrifyingly confused and… alone? How strange.
“Neigh, neigh, skullfu— um… Mister Fucker!! Over here!!” she whinnied jauntily, waving her hooves at him in an attempt to gain his attention.
The past is not something to be mulled upon, as far as the Mare Lady is concerned.
She grew up on a farm, not too far outside of town. Her name was never terribly important, being one of far too many mouths to feed, and none of her siblings really bothered her or had much to do with her at all. It was, if anything, a very boring existance, the only joy of which being the horses they raised. She would often imagine being a colt as she groomed the horses, the wind whipping through her mane as she galloped handsomly along the fences.
Of course, even with this as her only escape from such a dull existance, happiness would not be meant to last. She found one evening, from a sibling who had rifled through their father’s things, that the horses were to be sold, to other breeders, for glue, to whomever could pay the price. They and the family home were to be sold, and they were to move to a new town, to follow their father’s growing investment in scrap metal.
Not that she remembered it at all.
She had just been a very small girl.
When she was found the next morning, sleeping in a loft of hay in the barn, the deputees assumed that the people who had stolen into the house late that night and killed the rest of her family hadn’t noticed her at all, not expecting her to be in the barn. The poor child. Thought she was a horse, or something or the sort. Perhaps a way of coping with the murder of her family. At least the vile murderers hadn’t taken off with anything.. The girl, along newly inherited home and a very good sum of money, were put into the care of a very loving aunt, who brought her up nicely, instilling a good sense of justice into her. Because, maybe, just maybe, she could someday catch the bastards what did her family in. Or at least stop another such travesty from happening.
Or maybe just go galloping again. That would be alright too.
hey
this looks like a somewhat familiar scene
kind of
what is this heresy
“no, I don’t want your number, and no, I don’t wanna give you mine…”
the Mare lady mumbled along with the song blasting in her headphones as she walked up the stairs of her apartment building, making a beeline for her upstairs neighbor’s door.“hangin out the passengers side of his best friends…
Christmas’ head whipped toward the door. She was right in the middle of a game of battleship, god dammit, who in their right mind would knock on her door at such an important time like this? She stared Fat Nasty Trash Cat right in the eyes before she got out of her chair. “You look at my battleships and I will fucking end you.”
The opening door almost smacked Mare Lady in the face but she didn’t seem bothered. The two saw each other and bro-hugged and made high pitched friend screeches. Because that’s just how they roll and shit.
After exchanging these formalities, Christmas invited her guest into her humble abode, advising to be wary for banana peals. That wasn’t the problem mare lady faced. The real problem was rotting in the corner behind the television.
Mare Lady made a noise of terror.“Is that…Kanye West?”
Mare Lady made a noise of terror.“Is that…Kanye West?” She made a face to go along with her distaste. “Why would you keep HIM around? He’s not cute at all. I thought I KNEW YOU, Christmas. And now, it turns out, I don’t know you at all.”
A single tear of despair streaked down her mayoral cheek. And then she remembered why she was here in the first place and squeaked happily, jumping in place.
“CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS, I drew you a pony!!” she exclaimed, holding out the piece of paper in question. Upon it was a super kawaii filly with a banana gracing it’s healthy looking flank.
“no, I don’t want your number, and no, I don’t wanna give you mine…”
the Mare lady mumbled along with the song blasting in her headphones as she walked up the stairs of her apartment building, making a beeline for her upstairs neighbor’s door.
“hangin out the passengers side of his best friends ride, tryin to holla at me…”
she lowered the headphones from her ears to rest around her neck, a Torc of good music, as she pounded jauntily at the door in front of her.
“KISSMISS!! Neigh, are you even in there?”
some neigh imitate
none compare
The girl in the green hood slipped into the masoleam. She chose her route carefully, remembering the near-miss that consisted of her last break-in attempt. They had obviously learned from her last intrusion, seeing that the locks had been changed. No bother. She was able to pick them with no…
Skullfucker’s heart skipped a beat.
The trip for his security in the skullroom had gone off for the first time since he had put it in. Since putting the security in there, he hoped that he wouldn’t need it; he had never thought this day would come. It couldn’t have been an accidental trip, because the house(mausoleum)hold knew it was there. This was a real emergency, and his throat felt dry as a bone when he swallowed. Someone was trying to fuck with what was left of his sanity. His entire life was in there.
Grabbing his Khopesh with white knuckles, he ran his other hand nervously through his black messy hair. The light from above beamed on the top of his head, shadowing his face and accenting the dark circles under his eyes. It was a good damn thing he had insomnia, or he may not have heard the alarm trip; seems the condition that fueled his madness also helped to protect the madness it perpetuated. He moved swiftly towards the skullroom, boots falling heavily on the floor and making an echo.
Skullfucker was more than a little fearful of seeing any harm come to his precious companions, but there was also a quivering in his stomach with the anticipation of what he would do to someone who would dare to touch them.
((Crap. Now I feel bad.))
Greenhood could here the approaching footsteps. Not again… Someone was coming. She had to run.
Dropping the skull, she looked around for any possibility of an exit. Unfortunetly for her, the vault lived up to its name, and she could see no possible egress point.
Crap.
Standing in the doorway, Skullfucker could plainly see a young masked girl with a green and black outfit, holding paint, skulls at her feet. Skullfucker’s first begrudging thought was that he liked her outfit. His eyes surveyed the room quickly, making sure he didn’t see any broken skulls. There seemed to be no permanent damage done; paint seemed to be the worst thing that had happened to them.
Still, he narrowed his eyes and stood his ground, trying not to let his relief overwhelm him enough that he dropped his guard.
“Who are you and what are you doing here?”
The girl looked at the snarling crimelord, a deadpan expression set on her face. She couldn’t let him see the fact he had caught her off-guard.
“My name is Greenhood. And I’m here to take you down.”
“Greenhood…huh?” Turning the Khopesh in hand, it glinted in the dim lighting in the vault. He wasn’t sure what exactly he would do if she was looking for a fight. Not many people actually challenged him to a fight. She didn’t look too strong, and he was quite competent with a blade as well as hand to hand combat, but he also wasn’t foolish enough to underestimate someone who could break into his vault. “How exactly do you expect to take me down?” Skullfucker was in his territory. That was one thing he had going for him. He knew every inch of these dimly lit halls and this shadowy room by heart.
Suddenly, he heard Chuck squealing from down the hall, probably wondering where Skullfucker had run off to. It was about time for his late-night meal. In retrospect, that boar ate too much on a daily basis anyway. Maybe he should consider not giving him whatever food as he wanted and put him on some kind of diet; if his ice cold heart could survive telling those massive and sickeningly adorable eyes no to anything he ever asked for.
Crap. He had a knife. She wasn’t the type to use weapons, she mainly specialized in hand-to-hand combat. She did have a weapon, her trusty bow, but that was for long range fighting, and it probably wouldn’t help her in this situation. She had two options. One: Take him on, despite the fact that she would probably lose. Or,two: Distract him, and absound when his back was turned. However, if she did that, any or all chances of the skullfucker seeing her as a legitamit threat would be thoroughly and utterly dashed. What kind of hero says that they’ll take you down and then ran away?!? Plus, she had never ran away from a fight, and she wasn’t intending to start now.
The tense silence was broken by the noises of the resident bull. The skullfucker seemed to be momentarily distracted. Seeing her chance, the green-hooded girl picked up the skull closest to her, and chucked it at the crime lord.
The sound of impact echoed through the room, followed by the hollow click of bone breaking. The broken skull clattered to the floor, Skullfucker looking at it in horror, seeming to not notice that his forehead was bleeding from where it hit him. He didn’t bend to pick it up— he knew better than to expose himself to an enemy, even in times such as this.
It could be fixed he tried to reason with himself. But it was never the same after they had broken once. It was like a loved one who died and was resurrected— they seemed like a ghastly version of who they were before. It was always depressing, and he always had to be extra careful when handling them. He usually left the ones that were broken and fixed on the shelves, afraid to break them again. It would never be the same.
Skullfucker recalled when he had liberated this skull from that asshole’s skin prison; he couldn’t recall what the man’s name was, but none of that really mattered much when his most memorable moment was a machete separating his shoulder blade from his useless torso. Skullfucker had removed his head in the same fashion afterwards, taking it home and removing all of the needless flesh. It was often times like cleaning a fish. After he was through, he had lovingly named the skull. Skullfucker had always come to get him when he was watching Nightmare Before Christmas; it had been the skull’s favorite movie, and that was how they bonded most of the time.
“Aberle…” He had been a good skull. Skullfucker would miss him. The blood trickled down from his forehead, over his eyebrow, and pooled in the crevices around his eye. He made no motion to wipe it away.
Containing his anger, Skullfucker looked up at this crazy heartless vigilante, his throat jammed up at the thought of similar harm coming to even one more of his skulls. “Don’t hurt any more of them.”
Don’t hurt any more of them? Ok, it was offical. The skullfucker was crazy, compleatly and utterly. She might not interact with people much, but at least she hadn’t dropped to the level of bonding with inanimate objects.
It was a shame, really. If he was to go through the justice system, they would just label him insane and let him go. They let everyone go in the end. No matter what they did or who they hurt, they always went free.
To her, justice wasn’t a friend. She may be a “hero”, sure, but that didn’t mean she necessarily believe in “being a defender of justice” and all that crap. How could she be a friend with one so ignorant? Because, no matter the crime, justice always let everyone go.
But not everyone deserved it.
Looking at the crime lord, others might see the look on his face, the broken, empty, stare, like he had just lost a dear friend, as a cause for pity.
But not her.
The wrong had to be punished.
No matter what the cost.
Backing up a bit, the girl withdrew a bow and arrow from her bag, and leveled it at the crime lord.
((Character development: Am I doing it right?))
Completely unaware of the situation at hand, the Ex-Mare lady poked her head into the big, echo-y hallway, peeking around for any signs of life.
“Hellooooo,” she asked, hoping to grab the attention of someone. That butler, maybe, or one of the super adorable residents. She hadn’t even seen the boar that normally wandered around, that she fed bits of sandwich to when she could spare.
Getting off tangent, here. The tangent being that she was feeling terribly remorseful for giving candy and running like she had the prior night. Just, something had come up with her TV recorder, she just KNEW it, and by the time she got home there just wasn’t enough time left in the night to bother returning.
So, lacking a response, she wandered in.
“Helloooo, is anyone hooome? Mister Skuuuullfucker, I brought you some more of those super cutie candies you seemed to like!! Are you in?”
